Please note that this biography
is more of an Autobiography, were Dave has slaughtered his own personality for reasons that remain unknown. Also included
are double brackets again…see below. And please realise, this is only a joke. Do not read on if you are easily insulted.
EXAMPLE: Hey my name is David and I have toes
((lotmatrix comment)) and I’m a porcupine
So any comments inside the doubled bracketed area are comments from the lotmatrix team/Steve
BEGIN
David, or now known as a
"square" because of the shape of his FAT head was born in a birthing room. Now of those who know of square and his ample physique
could not possibly believe that he has indeed been a "sweaty-ball-of-pie-eating-flab" his whole fat life, but alas, tis not
true. Looking back he was indeed of an affluent body mass up to the age of 10, where at this time it could be realised, a
younger skinnier Dave. Greatly contradicting the one we know today. Then
puberty started ((probably)). Homo’s sapiens usually regard this phase in a persons life as a gateway to the metabolic
transitional period…were ball dropping can go aloud ((boom)), vast muscular pronouncement can be noticed in the upper
thighs, arms and torso. Dave however, grew out ((UNDERSTATEMENT)).
Of all the changes the body
makes, like hair where there was no hair, man voice forthcoming and whatnot, HE GOT FAT.
What a gyp, it’s like his body slowed down and went into reverse along with his metabolism. ((Blasphemy)) damn ((curse word)) McCrystal. Whilst travelling
through his teens it got even bigger, his waist that is Mr. Fact fan. ((I have millions of those))
Square has several interests
in his "life". He would tend to be a bit of a music enthusiast; however he shall
never pick up an instrument of music and "jam" etc ((I’m sorry but what else could you do with your flute Dave?)). Another slight interest in his life would have to be rugby, even though it is forced
on him at times by Evan "I like running" ((another curse word)), Paul "lets go
gymin" oh and Ross "I am muscley, can get any girl I want, no temper toss". Though he does enjoy it. ((Stop complaining Dave,
we all love a good muscley Toss/Ross))
However to move on to the
instigators of this "bio" or "profile" are the nice ginger people ,well person, but the other 2 are jus as bad, one smells,
and one is gay ((Mic)) work it out. It is projects like this that are a complete waste of time and effort and concentration
span that makes school worthwhile, oh and wicker men rock too… Anyway well
done guys for wasting my life and my 20s concentration span. Farewell "where does all his money go/where does all his money
go/straight up his (broken) nose." ((There was no call for that, it’s medical))
END
((If you consider yourself
obese/overweight/plump/large/podgy or somewhat corpulent, and you have been insulted by Dave’s fine words of intuitive
and profound wisdom, then you should contact lotmatrix@hotmail.com; where we will provide you with transportation to his current place of
occupancy. Here we will aid you in a forced entry (into his dwelling) and you can sit on him.))
((However if you find that
you have unpreventable glandular problems we offer this advice.
In life you qualify for the
following careers:
You have the following privileges:
As an athlete you can:
- Compete in pie eating contests and of course the Worlds Biggest Fat person.
If this way of life doesn't
suit you… fear not… fat people live shorter lives.
