Date of birth:
7000 B.C. (give or take a few centuries)
Place of conception: a barn
Method of conception:
CLASSIFIED
Written by Bob
Born into a high class playboy/ tycoon/
aristocratic family, Robert Adolf Attila Cornelius Samantha (on Saturdays) was neglected from birth. He began a life of unpurposeful
celibacy by being first educated in a tent outside Magherafelt. He then decided that the tent wasnt good enough and so he
moved to the next best thing; a nunnery!
Roberts days in the nunnery were somewhat eventful, albeit a tad rueful!
He would begin with 6 hours of meditation in the morning and then a 700 sit-ups in 3 minutes competition with the other nuns,
before lights out ( all in that order). One day whilst watching an American propaganda video during the war in Nam, Robert
was highly aroused by the big flashes and muscular G.I.s on the screen, and so decided to enlist. Little did he know that
he was later to become a soldier, and was later found saying but I just wanted to be a nurse!. Robert spent all 365 days in
that crap hole as both a male hooker and as a guy who snuck behind enemy lines to do Ho Chi Minh impressions and make friends
with Jane Hanoi Fonda.
Upon rotating back to the occidental Western world where toilets and running water are not
unheard of, Robert found himself as a fish out of water ( like he didnt before!). Magherafelts tents had turned into schools,
his family had all died in a tragic game of cleudo (his dad in the library with the steam roller!), and the nuns denied they
had ever even known him. As if the crap hadnt already hit the fan Robert was still coming to terms with the new fangled zip
fly on his pantaloons (which will remain a myth if youre easily offended). Robert also then married and divorced a hells angel
captain and enjoyed a brief stint in the contemporary electro-pop band Frankie goes to Hollywood, before being kicked out
for lecherous fudge packery (which he claimed Bubbles the chimp agreed to do) and admitting he was the lovechild of Anne Widdecombe
and David Blunkett.
Then one day as Robert was out strolling in the rose garden, reading Mein Kampf and listening
to self help tapes on how to reassure yourself that your homo-erotic shenanigans are well justified, Robert received a telegram
from his latest sexual harassment victim, the Postman. LORD OF THE MATRIX NEEDS YOU TO ENROL OR STAY UNHAPPY AS A 40 YEAR
OLD VIRGIN ON THE DOLE, so Robert heeded the word and joined the LOTMatrix gravy train on successful trip into the world of
unsuccessful film making, as ironic as it may seem. Roberts dreams of hot showers, clean underwear and weekly pay checks may
have come true thanks to the ugly buggers at SMG studios, but he still hasnt earned his own sense of self respect (sob sob).
Roberts quote for the day:
"No it wasnt a completely idiotic
idea to leave that coffee mug on top of that computer screen that was switched on, Mr Meo".
